HR Missing Employee Report: Waz & Friend

OK guys, what I'm reporting here is rumor, but it's all that I've got to go on.

I'm told that Waz ran off with and/or was kidnapped by pointy head chick that used to work in Administration. And that, whether willingly or not, they ended up in historic Williamsburg Virginia. Something about her having some fetish about dressing up in historical clothing and churning butter, I don't know, I tried to tune that part out.

Well the Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee retreat was there at the same time and all I know for SURE is that Waz got arrested for something that happened in the men's room that resulted in him slugging a GOP Senator or two.

Now Waz's side of the story is that he was listening to his Ipod on the john, while text messaging a friend. And being at once 1) distracted, and 2) enjoying the beat of Mambo #5, he began, WITHOUT THINKING to tap his foot because how can you not he says, when listening to Mambo #5 (A little bit of Monica by my side, a little bit of . . .) well anyway, be glad you didn't have to listen to him sing.

Now he claims his foot tapping inadvertently caused closeted Gay Republicans to come crawling out of the woodwork like ants when you leave food out and next thing you know there was a little more foot tapping and then he was attacked by naked Republican Senators and HAD to fight them off to save his manhood.

The Senator's of course have a totally different story, and the one that does the fundraising for the Christian right is claiming that Waz tried to rape him, crying on television and everything.

So I hope you don't mind, but I used some hospital funds to bail Waz out. He really wouldn't have lasted very long in that DC jail given that his pix was splashed all across the televisions in the day room noting why he was arrested. I couldn't let him stay there, he was almost in tears when he called and I could hear some guy in the background making kissing noises. If we'd left him there he would have ended up making a good wife for "Carl Freak me the Fuck Out."

Pointy Haired Chick is back. She's wearing bonnets now. Great. I could do without seeing her everyday. I don't think I'll ever be able to enjoy cheetos again.

I will start working on finding HR Chick now and will keep you all updated.

Dreaming of Retirement

I've been working my ass off lately and no wonder grown ups don't like to do it. It sucks! Geez, with Budget done, I have't seen buckethead around hardly at all. And Jane asked me to cover HR chick and I don't know where the hell Sharky's been but at least he's not trying to kill me. The good news is that this is giving me plenty of time to focus on trading and therefore quite a jump start on my "retirement" fund. By the time I'm old enough to work legally, I shouldn't have to anymore!

I've had an incredible winning streak these last few months and my holdings are up to $842,266. I was figuring that I'd have to put the original amount that I "borrowed" from the hospital back in the account when the auditors were here poking around but I guess Belinda and Lola (as much as that broke my heart) took care of that with some special "favors."

As long as I'm around to answer questions, I don't see any need to put the money back anyway. Grown ups are such idiots. You can go in, change the frequency on the sweep account settings to delay the deductions from the depository account to the sweep account and keep like 8 days of float in Medicare funds totally for yourself. And the auditors come in and what do they want to see? That you signed your name next to the amount you stole and wrote, "reconciling item: deposit in transit." In transit is right! But all that matters is that you remember to write the date. No problemo! I got special colored pens just for that!

Market Volatility Rocks

Or maybe it's more accurate to say Market Volatility makes Unacrapper CRAPLOADS of money! You should see what the detrended price oscillator looked like today.

I think when things settle down on the major indexes, I'm going to start focusing more on currency trading. When Buckethead actually shows up for work and I can't use her office, it's a pain in the ass b/c it's hard to trade on a day when you can't be sure you'll have access to a computer all day. Don't want take a huge position and not be able to unload it before the market closes if you need to.

I like Buckethead and all, but when I see her sitting there just eating cheetos and drawing cartoons on a day when the market is really moving I want to scream -- I'm thinking, "Do you know how much money I could have made trading if you weren't sitting on that ball in there being useless?" Poor Buckethead, she can't even draw.

Anyway, if I could get that HR gig, it would give me time (and computer access) to really turn my little fund of "borrowed" cash into something much more substantial.

Sorry Buckethead, No news yet on Waz

OK, I broke into HR but couldn't find anything last night. It was such a mess -- people keep stacking shit in there but HR Chick hasn't shown up in over a month so the mountain of paper just keeps getting deeper.

Hey, If I can't be the COO(L), maybe I could be the interim HR person? Seriously, you have to help me find a job here, I'm bored to death doing just your CFO job. I really need more of a challenge.

PS: I saw the email from corporate about your net revenue PPD going down during the projection period -- Just 'splain to them that it's b/c of that big Medicare prior period adjustment in Q2. It only looks weird because I normalized Medicare Net when I figured the run rate.

Tyrone Captured. And then there was one . . .

Well when we broke out of unit 7 and crawled up in the roof there were four of us. Now I'm the only one that's still on the loose. Tyrone made it out of the hospital to freedom, only to get captured last night. Saw this on the news. Poor guy

Jane, Buckethead . . . Where are you?

So what's the deal? Can you help me? I was able to break into the pharmacy and get enough meds to save my life the LAST time Sharky "threw the death card at my ass." but he seems like a pretty determined guy and I'm not feeling so safe up here in the ceiling anymore.

Furthermore, When the hell is buckethead coming back? I was starting to enjoy being CFO until they called me about this big ass budget deadline on Friday. This thing is giving me fits. I'll have something ready to submit to corporate tomorrow but I don't know how it will go over with the bigwigs.

I did pretty well in 7th grade math last year, and buckethead's battered copy of "Hospital Financial Management for Dummies" book that she keeps in her desk helped a lot but it sure the hell didn't explain how to get the net revenue numbers by payor on my operating schedule to tie out to the service demand support schedule. I guess if I can just tweak the FTE's a little I should at least be able to get Buckethead's margins where they need to be. She owes me!

Oh well, I guess I shouldn't complain, beats the hell out of doing projects for the 8th grade science fair

It's good to be CFO

Buckethead skipped out on work again today, so I'm getting to chill out in her office, which is good cuz it gets hot as hell in the ceiling during the middle of the day. I could get used to an office like this. The Bose speakers are pretty sweet but the crap she's got on her ipod is a sin. That's why they shouldn't even let old people have ipods IMHO.

Man this is the job to have -- there's so little to do that no one has even noticed she's not here. I could do this, I know I could. I signed some PO's today. Handed out some petty cash and checked with the telephone company on that new blackberry I ordered.

Some guy from corporate called and said, "Your FTE's are to high" So I said, "Well I'll make them lower, you watch me!" and he seemed pleased as punch with that. Then he said, "Your ADC is too low." So I said, "I'll get that higher ASAP!" and so on and so forth. I can't believe grown ups get paid for this. Then he said, well that would get your FTE/EPEOP where it needs to be. That's when I said, "That's real funny old man, now I know you're screwin with me making up all those mad letters that rhyme." Then he asked if I was drinking again and started talking about was I following my "EAP plan" or something. I gotta learn all these terms if I'm going to be COO. Or at least learn what a coo is.

I don't know what FTE's or ADC's are but I'll leave Buckethead a note to get the first one lower and the second one higher.

Check out the this clip video of all the ways Kenny died! I hope Buckethead stays home for a few more days, I'm really enjoying surfing the web and being CFO. This beats 8th grade any day.

Buckethead, I Need your help!

Sharky's found out about my "surprises." You will be glad to know that I didn't give you up, but I need your help. He told me he was "Throwin' a death card at my ass!" I don't know what it means, but I'm afraid.

I was really starting to enjoy it here and if I'm caught its right back to juvenile hall.

I'm sure there is some way that I could be useful to you and/or Jane. I know you're looking at some side businesses that I have some, um . . . experience with. Any way we could come to some kind of agreement? I see that you have a COO position open. I know I'm only 13, but I've very resourceful as you know. And no offense, but I've MET some of these other "managers."

Please get back to me as soon as you can. Just leave me a note on your desk and I'll pick it up tonight when I go in to get my email and check my etrade portfolio. Trading options is WAY COOL.

PS: What's with your plant ops guy? I called in my order for my new blackberry and bluetooth headset a week ago and I've been checking the incoming packages in the mail room every day and it's still not in! (Unlike your "How to get people to like you in 30 seconds or less" book from Amazon. Haha. How's that workin' for ya?)

Lola Baby you look even better from the ceiling

Living in the ceiling is turning out to not be so bad. I thought about setting up home on G wing, but they already have all kinds of homeless families living over there. Word is you just tell them "Devon knows all about me," and the security guy will let you move whole damn families move in. We think he and the crazy DON are running some type of flop house and charging for it.

Best part of living in the ceiling -- I've been spending LOTS of time above the billing office checking out my new love . . . lalala looooola.

I am totally in love with Lola billing chick. When she leans over the printer, I get an awesome view from the ceiling and can see things no loser person on the ground gets to see, at least not in the day time.

That Medicare auditor guy has been hitting on her but I fixed that! Hacked into Buckethead's computer and sent her an email explaining that Russell LuvMussell only liked guys! HA! Got that competition out of the way.

While I was chillin' above the business office, I heard Charlene Crabass dissin' my girl Lola and I won't stand for that. I'll SQUAT for that, but I sure the hell won't stand for it.

Oh yeah, you guessed it. Squatted on her desk and left her a little SURPRISE ! ! !

Buckethead CFO Rules ! ! !

Thanks for the Marathon bars, buckethead, and the flashlight lantern came in pretty handy too. I left a surprise for "Mean Girl" as a thank you for the help.

And LOVE how you leave all your passwords on that folded up piece of paper under your clear plastic desk thing. Quite a hiding place . . .

You asked if I needed anything -- I could use a sleeping bag, I'm sure you got one in the back of your car and it gets a little cold in the mechanical room where I've been crashing at night.

I don't know who your plant ops guy is but man the stash of porn he's got back there is unbelievable and that streaming video of the ladies shower area is super cool.