HR Missing Employee Report: Waz & Friend

OK guys, what I'm reporting here is rumor, but it's all that I've got to go on.

I'm told that Waz ran off with and/or was kidnapped by pointy head chick that used to work in Administration. And that, whether willingly or not, they ended up in historic Williamsburg Virginia. Something about her having some fetish about dressing up in historical clothing and churning butter, I don't know, I tried to tune that part out.

Well the Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee retreat was there at the same time and all I know for SURE is that Waz got arrested for something that happened in the men's room that resulted in him slugging a GOP Senator or two.

Now Waz's side of the story is that he was listening to his Ipod on the john, while text messaging a friend. And being at once 1) distracted, and 2) enjoying the beat of Mambo #5, he began, WITHOUT THINKING to tap his foot because how can you not he says, when listening to Mambo #5 (A little bit of Monica by my side, a little bit of . . .) well anyway, be glad you didn't have to listen to him sing.

Now he claims his foot tapping inadvertently caused closeted Gay Republicans to come crawling out of the woodwork like ants when you leave food out and next thing you know there was a little more foot tapping and then he was attacked by naked Republican Senators and HAD to fight them off to save his manhood.

The Senator's of course have a totally different story, and the one that does the fundraising for the Christian right is claiming that Waz tried to rape him, crying on television and everything.

So I hope you don't mind, but I used some hospital funds to bail Waz out. He really wouldn't have lasted very long in that DC jail given that his pix was splashed all across the televisions in the day room noting why he was arrested. I couldn't let him stay there, he was almost in tears when he called and I could hear some guy in the background making kissing noises. If we'd left him there he would have ended up making a good wife for "Carl Freak me the Fuck Out."

Pointy Haired Chick is back. She's wearing bonnets now. Great. I could do without seeing her everyday. I don't think I'll ever be able to enjoy cheetos again.

I will start working on finding HR Chick now and will keep you all updated.

Dreaming of Retirement

I've been working my ass off lately and no wonder grown ups don't like to do it. It sucks! Geez, with Budget done, I have't seen buckethead around hardly at all. And Jane asked me to cover HR chick and I don't know where the hell Sharky's been but at least he's not trying to kill me. The good news is that this is giving me plenty of time to focus on trading and therefore quite a jump start on my "retirement" fund. By the time I'm old enough to work legally, I shouldn't have to anymore!

I've had an incredible winning streak these last few months and my holdings are up to $842,266. I was figuring that I'd have to put the original amount that I "borrowed" from the hospital back in the account when the auditors were here poking around but I guess Belinda and Lola (as much as that broke my heart) took care of that with some special "favors."

As long as I'm around to answer questions, I don't see any need to put the money back anyway. Grown ups are such idiots. You can go in, change the frequency on the sweep account settings to delay the deductions from the depository account to the sweep account and keep like 8 days of float in Medicare funds totally for yourself. And the auditors come in and what do they want to see? That you signed your name next to the amount you stole and wrote, "reconciling item: deposit in transit." In transit is right! But all that matters is that you remember to write the date. No problemo! I got special colored pens just for that!